I’ve been stunned by one thing not too long ago that I shouldn’t have been stunned by: pleasure isn’t a by-product of happiness. In December on the Feast of St. Stephen, I married essentially the most fantastic man I’ve ever recognized, who loves me in a deeper and extra lovely manner than I ever even dreamed of being liked. We married in a single of essentially the most beautiful cathedrals I’ve ever been in, surrounded by expensive family and friends on a snow-covered however sunny winter’s day. We are so appropriate and have a very loving relationship constructed on a strong basis. He is my very best good friend. Sharing life with him is such a present, and my younger marriage has been bliss to date.
I get up every morning to my candy, former-barista husband saying, “Good morning, love. Want me to make you a latte?”
We dwell in a stupendous location proper exterior NYC, in a very unimaginable group that has been so gracious and welcoming. We’ve obtained a tiny however lovely condo that we dwell in with our candy and foolish cat whom I’ve had since I used to be 14 and who has someway survived to properly over 18 regardless of kidney failure. There is a beautiful chapel proper across the nook from our condo that has so many unimaginable church providers we are able to stroll hand-in-hand to morning and evening.
My job, too, is nice. I used to be employed proper after I moved to New York to work with college students at a close-by faculty with a stupendous, previous campus, and it’s fantastic. My co-workers are so sort, and the work is rewarding. My circumstances in the intervening time are the perfect they’ve ever been. I’m so completely happy. I don’t say this stuff for any cause aside from to say: even with all of that being true, I can nonetheless overlook to be joyful and grateful.
The Heart of Discontentment
For most of my life I’ve had a sense that I used to be ready on one thing else to occur. When I hit my teen years, the books I used to be studying advised me that God had a love story He wished to jot down for me that simply required me to attend on His timing. Waiting for one thing fantastic to occur seemed like one thing I might do. I got here to view God as matchmaker, and I used to be ready for my match. I stored ready and ready, and as my 20’s got here and went and I stayed alone, I felt deep down like God was depriving me of one thing He owed me someway.
As I grew in my religious life, I knew this shallow view of Him I had held for thus lengthy wanted to be healed, together with the anger it had brought about. As I took these ideas to prayer, I stored considering of when Jesus talked about God being an excellent Father who delighted in giving His youngsters good presents.
He mentioned, “What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?” (Matthew 7: 9)
I bear in mind praying my frustration and saying to God, “But I don’t feel like you’ve given me a stone. I feel like you’ve held bread in front of my hungry face and never actually given it to me.”
Learning Christ’s Love
A phrase from the recesses of my reminiscence instantly got here to the forefront of my ideas: “Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness.”
I didn’t perceive it and couldn’t bear in mind the place that line was from. I regarded up the phrase and realized it was from John 6:31. I turned there and felt myself consistent with the individuals asking for indicators as I learn.
When Jesus replied telling them of the True Bread from Heaven, they usually mentioned “Lord, give us this bread always,” Jesus’ reply of “I am the Bread…” shook me to my core. He was not a withholding Father taunting me with bread I couldn’t eat; He had all the time been consistently providing me Himself, and I had been saying in reply “…but give me something else.”
I felt such sorrow over that realization. Why did I need issues aside from Him to be the bread? Nearly 5 years have passed by since that realization, and I’ve discovered a lot about His presence and the way the religious life is a journey deeper into Him. The wishes that I had weren’t incorrect wishes, simply out of order ones. He did find yourself main me to marry, and marriage, as I had hoped it will be, is fantastic.
In my immaturity, I nonetheless thought someway that I’d simply mechanically change into some sort of pleasure and gratitude mode as soon as I had the life I wished. I’ve realized one thing as an alternative although: my coronary heart has for years had a default posture of discontentment to which it goes again until I consciously select to right it with the posture of pleasure and gratitude. That feeling that one thing is missing has been so deeply ingrained in me that, even when nothing is missing, I revert again to it.
This has been such a humbling lesson, and it’s one I’ll seemingly all the time be studying. God is a lot greater than a matchmaker. God is a deep ocean, and I’m a bit fish who has extra of Him to discover than I can ever think about. I’ll overlook His presence, however He all the time surrounds me. I dwell and transfer and have my being in Him (Acts 17:28).
My discontentment didn’t stem from one thing I lacked; it was one thing in me that wanted to be rooted out. My coronary heart needs to be skilled to default to pleasure. Granted, it’s simpler now than ever earlier than to search out issues to be thankful for and joyful about, however it’s nonetheless one thing I’ve to get up every day and remind myself to decide on. His presence is the final word supply of pleasure. I do know there might be seasons of life wherein my circumstances might be tougher than they’re now. I do know that He will nonetheless be there then providing me Himself, the True Bread. That is extra pleasure than I can comprehend. May He give us all eyes to see Him in every single place current, filling all issues.
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